Wednesday, May 14, 2003

How low can you go?

Or: Sue in Limbo

Apologizes (to the .5 of you who care) for my recent negligence of SueandnotU. All my thoughts of late have been shamefully self-absorbed and I made an executive editorial position to spare you all. I was going to quote some miserable Hamlet, and lead off with "I have of late/ but wherefore I know not/ lost all my mirth" but I seemed to have found my mirth at the bottom of a couple glasses of mojitos last night, so that would be just a tad melodramatic. It's just that after savoring the promise of finally knowing my Fulbright Scholarship results, once and for all, for better or for worse, I was named an ALTERNATE. Worst of all worlds! Don't even know where the smart money lays its bets on this one. So bombs are exploding in Riyadh, legislators are on the run from the Texas militia (somebody *please* rewrite "Pancho and Lefty"), mass graves are showing their gruesome faces to the world, and I'm reduced to sitting in my cubicle whining and whining and whining. I have become tenfold more annoying than my wedding-planning office mate and her cornucopia of honeymoon brochures. In fact, if I were all of you, I wouldn't return to this blog until, well, late June or so. Meanwhile, I'm going to learn how to put up a Paypal account on my site so I can accept donations that will be put toward a worthy cause: therapy sessions.

Better yet, I'll funnel my excess frustrations into a new segment entitled "Wha' Happened?" It will feature little tidbits of life that you didn't know, and wish you had gone on not knowing. But misery loves company, so I'm sharing:

Wha' Happened?
It's not uncommon knowledge that Capitol Hill staffers of all ranks enjoy "gifts" from lobbyists ranging from concert tickets and fancy dinners to box seats at sporting events. But sometimes it goes even farther. My unnamed source was at a political function when one of the guests became a bit sloshy and let loose a story he probably wished he hadn't. Turns out he and some of his co-workers (senior staff for a congressperson) were enjoying a night on the town courtesy of some lobbyists. Coming out of a bar, one of the lobbyists pointed at a plain building and informed the others that the unassuming establishment was actually a brothel. "Really?" "Yes, really." The lobbyists then ushered the gents inside and, yes, had them entertained. That's right, boys and girls, on a very special episode of Schoolhouse Rock: this his how democracy works! Somebody writes a bill, sends it to the House of Representatives, a lobbyist BUYS WHORES for the swing vote senator's staffers, and POOF! Suddenly AT&T has been declared Speaker of the House! Call me crazy, but I'm going to file this under thing #23432 that wouldn't happen if women were in charge. Can you even imagine some gals on the town and one of them proposes "I know! Let's all find a bunch of man-whores and do it! Yaaay!" Not bloody likely.


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