Friday, June 20, 2003

Anthro 101

In my anthropological journey deep into the heart of McLean, VA, I was lucky enough to have a sighting of a rare creature--so rare, in fact, that its very existence has been called into question, and the stories surrounding it blur the line between myth and reality. Nevertheless, I believe that I did, in fact, come into contact with the elusive:

Straight Male Boutique Hair Stylist

With his fantastic plumage and colorful pelt, he is often mistaken for the far more common Flaming Gay Male Boutique Hair Stylist. But a trained eye can spot the difference. For instance, the SMBHS is extremely insecure with his masculinity, and will take the first possible opportunity to advertise his attraction to the opposite sex. Consider the following scenario:
"Hi, I'd like you to chop all my hair off and make me look fabulous."
"Do you live in D.C.? My ex-girlfriend lives in D.C. Man, D.C. girls are awful. They are always whining and very snobby. Boy oh boy, have I dated a lot of D.C. girls. They are very difficult, these many, many, many girls that I have dated."

Furthermore, the SMBHS will attempt to affiliate himself with stereotypical male interests as much as possible. Like so:
"I like going to football games. Yep, just me and the guys. Drinking beer. Can't go too far wrong there. Hey, did Simms get picked up in the draft?"
"Simms can suck it."
"Yeah. I have another client who is from Kentucky and hates Duke. I like basketball. I also like drinking beer while watching basketball. With the guys."
"What is that divine conditioner you're using?"

Finally, the SMBHS will tactically acknowledge the preponderance of gay males in his profession, in order to erase the suspicion that he is merely unaware or closeted or sexually conflicted:
"Man, the last Hair Show I attended was down in Myrtle Beach. I was like, one of two straight guys there. We just sat and watched all the gay guys chase after each other."
"Well that sounds lovely."
"I can't wait for the next Hair Show next month. It's in Vegas. Dude, it's going to be awesome."
"I am paying you an awful lot of money. Can you just not say "dude?" Can you at least act gay so I feel I'm getting my money's worth? I feel for your awkward position, but the plain fact is, I don't feel comfortable with a straight man cutting my hair. I have stylist heterophobia issues."

With these telling signs in mind, you too may one day be able to spot, identify, and tag your very own Straight Male Boutique Hair Stylist.


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