Wha' Happened? Vol. IV
When Preppy Love goes BAD
Since Capitol Hill is more incestuous and wickedly gossip-filled than an all-girls' High School, tales of humiliation and woe spread faster through the halls of congress than veneral diseases. Seeing as it's currently what they call "Intern Season," it is only appropriate that the Hot Gossip du jour should involve an unlucky pair of Texas interns from Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison's office.
Seems that a summer romance went awry, and an incensed (and semi-literate) Paul Kelly Tripplehorn, Jr. [I didn't make that name up. His e-mail address involves the word "tripplehorny." ahem.] fired off what he surely intended as a blistering e-mail to his lady love, a Ms. Megan Muller of the University of Texas at Austin.
The subject line, "you suck," more or less set the tone for this missive. It opens:
Well, as of this afternoon, I was planning on ruining your career by making phone calls to all of my parents [sic] friends and have you blackballed from the workplace as well as every prestigous law school in the country, but then (lucky for you) I decided not to do that because you are a sad sad person and I will just let your life self destruct right before my eyes....
Michele [sic] I am sorry, I don't care how big of [sic] sadistic fucked up [sic] crush you have on me but people like me simple [sic] don't date people like you. You are too competitive with me and you just simply will never be better than me. I will always have more friends than you just because I don't care about beating people and lying to get to the top. (You are an absolute hipocrit [sic] in everything that you do, I am not going to go into details why you are
because that would be a waste of my time and yours but I can assure you if you were to ever meet yourself you would hate your twin.)
But wait! There's more...
Everyone knows you are a pathetic social climber who will go to any discusting [sic] means to move up the ladder. But guess what Michele, [sic] you will never move up the ladder because I am at the top and people like me hate people like you.
I do not even know why I wasted my time typing this for suck slime. [is that what the kids are saying these days? suck slime?] Everyone tells me that you are so beneath me (which you are) and I should not get worked up over suck trifles. By the end of the day if I wanted to, I could make a phone call and have your life absolutely ruined but there is no need because you are falling fast enough towards failure without me. In the end, all I can say is that people love me and people hate you.
"Once again from your intellectual, moral, social, and emotional
Paul Kelly Tripplehorn, Jr."
According to the Roll Call article on this story, the young man was dismissed from his position, and a photo from Sen. Hutchison's site with the star-crossed lovers in it has been removed. God bless interns for making the summer a little sunnier. I'm sure that's the sentiment of this guy, quoted in the Roll Call article:
"This young intern ought to know that one must learn how to use spell-check before one is even allowed on the ladder," one veteran Congressional aide cracked about the climbing-the-ladder aspect of the correspondence. "Now he should really go fetch me a latte and fill the copier with some paper."
Oh, um, my lawyer says to add this:
This story has made its way to the Washington Post gossip column! Complete with picture of Mr. Benjamin Bumpington-Hornswoggle III. Or whatever his name is: