Tuesday, October 21, 2003

An Open Letter to Media Outlets

Dear Newspapers, Radio, and Internet,

There are only so many hours in the day, you know, and I take my time seriously. I like to be an informed individual, but frankly, I'm sick of the crap. But I am nothing if not helpful, so here is a list of

Things I am Sick and Tired of Hearing About:

1. California

Okay, the recall election was amusing and useful in the re-emergence of Gary Coleman jokes. But it is OVER. None of us gave a crap about California before the recall, and none of us gives a crap about it now. It's called the L.A. Times, people, and it serves a purpose. Am I supposed to read a bunch of shit on California's fiscal crisis? Doesn't every state have a fiscal crisis? Isn't my life more or less an ongoing fiscal crisis? For the record: I no longer care what Arnold does or how he does it, unless it's something scandalous (raising taxes does not count).

2. The Draft Clark nerds

SHUT UP. Please, for the love of Christ, SHUT UP. I do not know why these 4 guys or whatever feel so personally slighted by not being picked up by a major presidential campaign just because they know HTML and decided to devote the entirety of several weeks of their sad little lives to a man they've never met, but they should have already known that all those Kobe Bryant fan pages never yielded so much as an autographed condom so they might as well shut up. And the amount of hubris it takes to believe that their exclusion from the campaign is the death knoll of Clark is astounding. There are people out there who make their presidential choices based on the candidate's beneficence to bloggers, but those people are the DraftClark people, so you see how it all ties itself up neatly. I care about a president who will get my friends jobs and craft a coherent foreign policy, I emphatically do not care about the Clark nerds. Fifteen minutes? Up.

3. Gregg Easterbrook

Who? What? Oh, I don't have time for it. So just shut up about him too.

4. The World Series

Is anybody watching this shit? If we ignore it, will it go away?

And just to be constructive, the more stories about suicidal freaks, the better.



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