Get ready to die!

Okay, I've sufficiently recovered from my a.m. trauma to report the following incident.
First the background:
In my otherwise youthful office, there is one elderly secretary woman. Not only is she the only elderly woman, she is the only secretary. Perhaps this isolation is what causes her to constantly bellow inappropriate remarks at the top of her ravaged smoker's lungs. I have become used to this behavior, mostly, and try to sidetrack her with questions about grandchildren so that she will act like a normal grandmother.

But this morning, my first day back at work after the long holiday, my first work day of the new year, my fresh-page new-leaf day, was shattered in the first half hour.

The elderly secretary woman was barking to a senior personage behind me about her smoking habit. How it's such a compulsion. How she has to have it. And then she followed up with a statement that accompanied a mental image which will haunt me to my grave:

[very LOUDLY] I don't know what I would do if I quit smoking! I'd probably have to start masturbating in public or something.

AARRGGH! Strike my inner eye BLIND dear HEAVENLY FATHER. This is how I start my New Year, people. Beat that for shitty Monday mornings at the office.