Dear Jesus, take me now

As if everything wasn't already horrible enough, I read this:

Firmly latched onto the surface of their choice, the nymphs begin their overnight transformation into adults: youthful skin breaks open, milky-white cicada emerges, wings flush out, and the body darkens as its outer shell hardens.

This emergence also marks the beginning of a huge feast. "It's well known that pretty much everything starts chowing down on cicadas," Clay said. Dogs, cats, birds, squirrels, deer, raccoons, mice, ants, wasps, and, yes, humans make a meal of the insects.

According to Kritsky, the best time to eat a cicada is just after they break open their youthful skin. "When you eat them when they're soft and mushy, when they come out of their skin, they taste like cold, canned asparagus," he said.

And who is the Kritsky? Other than a very single, lonely, cicada-eating freakshow?