Welcome to Ann Arbor

As he embarks on his freshman year at the University of Michigan, Michael Phelps ought to keep one thing in mind: you may have won the hearts of the nation, the atrophied loins of bored housewives, and inspired children to reach for their dreams, but you have a lot of work to do in the undergraduate smartass demographic. I don't know if he was expecting to be greeted on campus with a red carpet, but whatever he was expecting, it probably wasn't an editorial in a student paper like this:

Michael Phelps is a Choke Artist Who I Could Totally Beat at Everything

I heard that you're coming to our own little university. Well, Mikey, let me give you some advice, from one Wolverine to another: don't expect your classmates to be impressed by your success, or should I say, lack thereof? When you introduce yourself as Michael Phelps, they will undoubtedly inquire, "Michael Phelps, winner of eight gold medals?" To which you must reply, "No, Michael Phelps, winner of but six gold medals and two pitiful bronze medals." Then they will laugh at you, nickname you "Bronzy," and give you sixth-eighths of the finger.

Oh, it's tres funny. Go read the whole thing. Thanks to Mizz Parker for the tip.