Thursday, October 07, 2004


Trying to gently, tenderly wean myself from coffee just a teensy bit, I purchased a box of herbal tea last night from Whole Foods. I pondered the shelves of tea for a long while, shifting thoughtfully from foot to foot as I weighed the relative merits of "Digestive Health," "Female Toner," and "Positive mood," finally settling on an herbal lemongrass tea that promotes "Mental Alertness."

I find tea dreadfully boring and inevitably disappointing. The taste is never as fulfilling as the smell of the tea bags. My mouth feels organic and grassy after a cup. And I miss the sensation of lesions scraping more deeply into my intestines that a good black cuppa Joe faithfully provides. But the long slow scream of my organs shutting down in dehydrated collapse finally reached my ears, and I decided that tea with a gimmick might be more palatable than just Plain Tea.

So after my morning cup of coffee (weaning, people! No cold turkeys to see here!), I reached for my Organic Lemon Yerba Maté, when I uncovered a dastardly deed. To my surprise, the box of tea had been opened, and 8 of my 16 tea bags were missing.

WTF? I thought, teenagely. This would never happen with coffee. What, is someone going to steal a few beans? Abscond with a handful of grounds? Not bloody likely. Stupid tea. And what kind of freaked-out hippy criminal needs their fix of mental alertness so bad that they have to swipe 8 bags of Organic Lemon Yerba Maté? Leaving me with insufficient mental alertness? Just take the damn box! There's some serious wicked karma coming your way. Man. Maybe you won't exactly qualify for any rings of hell, but certainly, a really bad lawn seat at the String Cheese Incident show and some crudded up mushrooms.

Freaking great. Now I need some Positive Mood tea. Or, as I more commonly refer to it, "vodka."


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