Wednesday, October 20, 2004

First Lady Face-Off

From the October Atlantic:
Each election year since 1992the presidential candidates' wives have submitted cookie recipes to Family Circle magazine, whose readers then voted for a favorite. So far, the cook-off winner has always been the next First Lady. Laura Bush's recipe this year is for oatmeal chocolate-chunk cookies, Teresa Heinz Kerry's for pumpkin spice. But the predictive effect of the cook-off may not hold this time, because Teresa recently revealed that she doesn't even like pumpkin-spice cookies; a panicked staffer submitted the recipe on her behalf after Family Circle determined that Teresa's first recipe (for "Yummy Wonders") simply didn't work.

And that, my friends, is why I heart THK. Because you know that some beleaguered staffer approached her with this retarded little June Cleaver tradition (that, since it dates to '92 was clearly a doomed Barb Bush attempt to kick some Hillary ass around the kitchen) and Teresa was like, "I have to submit a what to where?" And then settled upon the improbably named "Yummy Wonders" as an appropriately maudlin title, blissfully unaware of how the name just sounds off. And when the recipe turns out to be like the recipe for cookies I wrote in 2nd grade (they included lemonade and rocket ships were somehow involved), she just tells some other beleaguered staffer to send some recipe for some shit, she could care less, and doesn't even bother to cover up the fact that it's all a farce and she's going through the motions. It's all so weird anyway; why is the entire nation collectively searching for a Platonic Mommy figure? Look, country: I'm sorry your mom tossed a couple Oreos at you rather than laboring on homemade Snickerdoodles, but that doesn't mean you can go around turning every respectable political wife into some caricature of your misplaced fantasies. It's sick. Stop it.

I'm sure Laura's cookies will be superior. I'm sure she scoops them with a scooper to shape them perfectly and bakes them on parchment paper and artfully arranges the distribution of chunks per cookie.

That may work for Family Circle, but as for my demographic (Insecurity Hedonists), we're not impressed by cookies. Nosiree. If you want to impress us, we're talking hard stuff. We're talkin' martinis. Any half-wit can make a cookie, but it takes a true artiste to achieve the perfect whisper of vermouth and tame the wanton bite of the perfect martini. Presentation, garnish, execution; if we insist on testing our first ladies in the kitchen, let's at least make this interesting. My money's on the for'ner.


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