mother crap shit

I have always been roughly 7 years behind the technology curve. I was riding out the whole cassette tape thing well after the rest of you were rocking the CDs. I stuck to my trusty VHS until my brother finally broke down and bought me a DVD player, for which I was grateful, but really, my VCR shows movies too, so... In my car I would shove a tape adapter into the cassette deck and wrap the cord clockwise around my Discman in order to get the sound to come out both speakers. This went on for years before I got an in-face CD player. I am surrounded, for the majority of my existence, by failing, creaking technological refuse held together with spit and band-aids.

Which is why I so euphorically loved my Brand New Powerbook.

I felt anthropomorphically attracted to it. My laptop is a gorgeous piece of ass, I thought. It was all the things I never was: sleek, petite, fashionable, powerful, oh god, is my body image so out of whack that I'm threatened by my notebook computer? And after years of treading gingerly about my 8-year old desktop and covetously protecting its 64MB of RAM lest it become unduly overwhelmed, how wonderful to have a machine that would, finally, never fail me!

Mother crap SHIT!!!

I've had this P.O.S. Powerbook for three months, and the hard drive seems to have disembowled itself. It started a death-rattle clicking noise last night and now I just get the blinky question mark when I try to turn it on. It took my desktop eight years to finally die, and then I join the Cult of the Mac, and all I get's a lousy three months! I'm so sorry you spoiled bitch computer. Was it the silky scarf I wrapped you in everytime I took you from my home? Was it the pads I wrapped around my wrists to avoid getting any sweat discoloration on your wrist rests? Are you opposed to the gentle brushing I use to remove any residue from your keys, so precise I could be removing dust from the Hubble Telescope??? Huh??? What is it? Why did you leave me? What do you want from me?? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

UPDATE:
uh.

huh huh.

Funny thing just happened. Computer, uh, appears to inexplicably work again. Can I retract my wigging out? (Do you think she heard anything I said? I didn't mean it, darling!)