Stay Sweet!

There is no treasure I could unearth more glorious than my sixth grade journals. There is overwrought human drama, there is tragedy, there is despair, there is untold ecstacy, there is, my friends, a bust chart. A lying bust chart, I might add. Ain't no way I was pushing 34 in sixth grade; at that time my training bra, not so much lingerie as a sad exercise in wishful thinking, featured two little billowing triangles of non-contoured cotton that had no business billowing. They were like, pockets for my chest, where I might store things, like erasers or loose change.

And the diary, well, I can't decide if I should be revolted at the mindless little ninny writing this tripe, or rumple her troublesome hair sympathetically. Only thing to do is publicly humiliate and her in a fashion that would no doubt have sent her into black spirals of suicidal door slamming and poetry-writing-through-dry-heaves.

A selection follows from the inauguration of the diary, all underlines and number of exclamation marks faithful to the original.

Sunday October, 28 1990
Diary Entry #1

Dear Diary:

Friday Ginger got spayed. Now she’s got these awful stiches sticking out of her. I am in 6th grade and about to have my 1st boyfriend. One year ago, I thought he was a total dweeb! Now we are practically drooling over each other!

Love,
Susan


Saturday November 3, 1990
Diary Entry #2

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Evan and I touched heads! He was helping me with math, and I looked up and I found myself staring into his eyes! My face must have been a strawberry!! I should be working on my mythology report right now but it’s too boring.

There’s a party tonight at LG’s house and Evan will be there. L likes Evan a lot, but Evan likes me.

Love,
Susan


Tuesday November 6, 1990
Diary Entry #3

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe it!!!! Evan went to the party alright. And he fell in love with some tramp from McGlauphlin!! He’s totally forgotten me! I can’t look in his face anymore because I’ll give myself away. I don’t even know if I like him. If I knew I would feel worse. But I have a plan. Since so many people like me, whoever asks me first gets me. [A tactic that continues to serve me handsomely.] That way Evan will see what a fool he’s been. If he asks me, I’ll say, “No!! You had your chance! Second in line can’t work! I really cared about you, and you blew it!”

Miserably yours,
Susan

cont’d #3
I’ve got to stop the tough guy routine. Evan just broke my heart. My first broken heart. It hurts so much. I don’t know if I love him. I know that if I did love him, I would be in constant torture because he hates me. We must be fools, we must be crazy – there’s no communication. We’re just not talking – there’s too much to stay. Should we stop this love from dying – or just let it go? I’ve never wanted something so much and been killed. Yes, killed. My love for boys is dead. I’m not immune and never will be.


Wednesday January 16, 1991
Diary Entry #4

Dear Diary,

Something has happened today that I will never forget. The war has started.


Sunday March 31, 1991
Diary Entry #5
Dear Diary,

The war is long since over. We beat Saddam’s butt! Anyway, the other night I spent the night with Lisa Ann. We did each other’s make-up and hair. It was awesome! I still like Evan but he’s all Stefanie. I die a hundred times each time he utters her name. But Casey likes me! The notes he used to write are coming back. And I’m doing an awesome job of flirting w/ him. I like him as a friend and would go w/ him – but I don’t love him.

-Susan